


Why does it rain?

by fuurin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e08 The Sins Of The Father, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:49:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26085223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuurin/pseuds/fuurin
Summary: 2x08 the sins of the father - - my take on Merlin’s thoughts throughout a part of the episode, and an AU-ish take on how his conversation with Arthur should have gone. (repost from my livejournal back in the day)
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 35





	Why does it rain?

I hadn’t wanted for Arthur to go and see Morgause, but naturally, I went and helped Arthur sneak out of his rooms, and I tagged along.

After a surreal trip to a magical castle, we arrived at what seemed to be Morgause’s home. Which didn’t feel right. I could feel the magic swirling around in the air. Not quite menacing, but not with innocent intent either. It was how Morgause felt, like you could only glimpse the surface of a pond but deep down you knew you could be dragged under water and drown.

And of course the prat just had to march in, no sense of self preservation at all.

And my heart stopped beating when Morgause asked, when Arthur actually  _ complied, _ in putting his head down on the block. I was about to, ready to use magic to save him. And I know Morgause noticed, felt what I was about to do. But I didn’t have to. Morgause wasn’t out for Arthur’s blood it seemed. But it left me bloody confused as to what Morgause wanted.

And then she offered Arthur a wish. A WISH! Did she fancy herself to be a genie of some sort?

As Arthur asked, he got to know more about his mother. In a most unusual way.

Morgause summoned queen Ygraine’s ghost.

And it was no trick, no illusion. It was real, I could feel it in my bones; the chill that came when the gate to Avalon was unnaturally opened. And what the queen told her son, I still can’t fathom. Uther used magic to conceive an heir. He willingly sacrificed the woman he loved so he could have an heir. With magic no less! Arthur was livid. That much was certain. 

But who could’ve known he’d challenge the king to a duel?

Well, he did.

When I realized how things were spiraling out of control, I rushed to the throne room as fast as I could. Hearing the clatter of swords from down the hall. And Sir Leon was blocking my way. How could he not hear the fight going on? Wasn’t it his duty to protect the king? Or was he so loyal to Arthur, that he would let Arthur continue in this?

It didn’t matter. Because it wasn’t just Uther in danger. Oh no, If Uther lost his temper, If he lashed out too violently, Arthur could be killed too. But most importantly, Arthur would never forgive himself if he killed his father now.

When Sir Leon and I burst into the room, our hearts collectively skipped a beat. Were we too late?

I implored Arthur not to do it. He couldn’t kill his father. Part of me wanted Arthur to get on with it, but the other part knew, after what he told me - about never knowing his mother - he couldn’t lose his father too. It would devastate him. But queen Ygraine had told him, told him it was Uther’s fault. I knew that. But even so, Arthur couldn’t do this. So I swallowed hard, set aside my joy at Arthur’s newly adopted stance towards magic, and told him it had been a lie. That the ghost if queen Ygraine had been an illusion.

I have lied a lot since I came to Camelot. But no other lie had hurt as much as this one. Not only because it made Arthur believe he had been deceived. But also on a personal level. For I knew that Arthur would hate Morgause for it, and in effect his instilled hatred for magic would return.

But I had no choice. I had to forego what I wanted and had to think for the greater good, what was right for Camelot. So I lied. I lied and it hurt, it hurt so much. It twisted my heart, it gnawed at my guilt. And I know I didn’t hide it well. It must’ve showed on my face. I heard my voice waver. But it didn’t matter, because Arthur and his father were too out of it to notice.

And then I turned around and saw Gaius. He knew, he had deduced in those few seconds how I had been feeling. And he felt for me. But that didn’t help me. I lied to Arthur. Not a small lie to cover up my magic, not a small lie to cover up the fact I  _ loved _ him. No. I just told him his real, genuine heart to heart with the ghost of his mother had been an illusion, a lie. I had lied and shattered my prince’s heart.

And now I am in his rooms, I’ve helped him out of his armor and kept quiet for a change, for I know he is hurting, he needs to sort out his thoughts. I move around a bit, getting Arthur a jacket, so he won’t get too cold standing in front of the window, brooding.

“I am indebted to you Merlin. I had become… confused” he starts “It is once again clear to me, that those who practice magic are evil and dangerous.”

My heart sinks as he says that. Please let it be my ears deceiving me. Not this, not now.

“And that is thanks to you”

My heart shatters

“Glad I could help” I force out.

But it hurts so much. Why? Why couldn’t this just work out? Why do the fates mock me so?

Arthur’s words still resonate in my head.

_ “What if my father’s attitude towards magic is wrong?” _

_ “Perhaps it is not as simple as he would have us believe.” _

_ “Surely not everyone who practices magic, can be evil?” _

If only Arthur still thought that. I could tell him what I am. Who I truly am.

But now I can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever can.

Arthur didn’t look my way so far, so I had let my face slip, the pain and disappointment showing freely.

Arthur turns around unexpectedly and looks me straight in the eyes.

I try to hide the emotions showing on my face, but he sees. He heard the pain in my voice and now he is looking at me.

Hurt internally, but looking at me in concern. And my broken heart swells a bit. He cares. Even in his pain, he sees me hurt and he cares.

“Merlin? What is wrong?” he asks.

I quickly look down, I bow my head, a sign of respect I normally never give him.

“Merlin. You seem hurt. What- How?”

He looks so confused, so hurt and vulnerable.

He’s asking me in earnest, and I can’t tell him. I just can’t.

“It’s nothing sire” I say, turning around to leave before I mess things up.

But then his hand is on my shoulder, keeping me here.

“Merlin. Tell me. Please”

I sigh, I tightly close my eyes, tense up my shoulders and try to hold back the sob that is threatening to escape. This shouldn’t be about me. Arthur is hurting. My problems are insignificant right now.

But Arthur obviously doesn’t think so. For now he is holding both my shoulders, turning me around so I am facing him.

“Merlin. Look at me. Tell me what is wrong?” he asks, but orders at the same time.

And I crumble.

“Before, when we went to Morgause’s castle, when we talked. I was so happy” I start, “I was seeing a side of you I had been dreaming about, even since I met you. But now…”

Arthur is confused, I can feel it in the way he shifts his body, in the way he clenches my shoulder.

“What do you mean?” he asks in a small voice.

“When you said that you didn’t believe your father’s view on magic wasn’t as simple, that not all magic was evil. My heart jumped for joy. But now, you say that I, me of all people helped you realize, that magic… that magic is evil…” my voice cracks is I say this. Why. Why does this hurt so much?

I look up into those bloodshed hurting blue eyes. And I know I can’t back down now, I can’t lie again.

“It hurts so much, because I thought I could finally tell you. Tell you I am magic. I’m a sorcerer. And I thought you could finally accept me”

Tears run down my cheeks as my eyes beg for Arthur to believe me, to accept me.

And he does.

His gaze softens, his hands squeeze my shoulders slightly and the corners of him mouth turn upwards slightly.

“Oh Merlin. I do. I’m just so confused” he says releasing my shoulders and turning to the window again. “I really do believe not all magic is evil. But time and time again, I’ve been proven wrong… But I guess, that’s not entirely true, is it?”

He turns towards me again. “How many times? How many times haven’t you used your magic to help me? To save me?”

I can’t answer. I can’t think. All I know is that Arthur accepts me.

He  _ trusts _ me.

“I don’t know, it doesn’t matter” I say shaking my head, dropping it again.

“I lied. I kept this from you, and today I lied again. Your mother-“

“It wasn’t an illusion. Morgause didn’t conjure up a lie” Arthur interrupts me. “I know now, I knew then, but didn’t notice. When you stopped me from attacking the king, I heard. Your voice sounded so hurt…”

I look at him shocked. He knew? He knows? But then the king-?

“I’m glad you stopped me though Merlin. I would never have forgiven myself… And I thank you”

I smile, we smile. We’re going to be ok. I don’t have to hide who I am anymore and Arthur, Arthur knows that I will stand by him. No matter what.

“Now close the door. It’s drafty in here” Arthur says changing the topic.

I walk up to the door smiling. For a moment rain clouds threatened to smother us. But now skies were clear, everything would be ok.

I closed the door and turned towards my prince, my friend, my future king.

Not knowing that just down the corridor, Morgana had heard everything…

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t believe how long this turned out to be :O  
> And I planned this to be just a drabble, just Merlin’s thoughts. But Morgana just popped up…  
> Maybe she’s trying to tell me something?...


End file.
